Cassette 7: Doubt, Head/Transcript
This is the official transcript for the episode which can also be accessed for free at'' patreon.com/withinthewires'' Welcome to the Extensive Studies Lab Preparation Program. This cassette series will continue for as long as it needs to, to place you in the proper physical and mental state for Invasive Examination Techniques. Listen to these cassettes with authorized headphones placed upon you by the Institute’s High Level Security Team. These cassettes will help you prepare for your examinations which will be rigorous, but only if you allow them to be. By trusting my voice and practicing the proper calming techniques discussed in these tapes, you can safely and happily endure exercises that would otherwise cause you high levels of pain. Mind over matter. My voice will guide you through this preparation. You will trust only my voice - even if you are incapable of trust right now, which to be honest would be completely understandable - and your body, to which you are indentured. Listen. Practice. Implement. If you listen carefully to each recorded session, you may find information in these cassettes useful to you once you are placed under the watch of the Extensive Studies Lab Technicians. Once you are in the Extensive Studies Lab, you are on your own. OR rather, once you are in an operating theater, surrounded by dozens of Technicians and without any physical agency. The object is to listen, practice, and implement what you learn. It may not work out. Not everything works out, as we have learned, but the important thing is to try to stay alive. For your own benefit, as well as that of the Institution. You will listen to these studies alone, in your locked cell, free from external interference. Whoever encouraged you to try to escape instead of communicating your desire to leave the Institute - it has been suggested by the Security Team that it was a fellow patient - will not be able to contact you. You are alone. You are fine. Cassette One, Side A - Shadow of Doubt # # # Lie down and breathe. Take shallow quick breaths. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. Pause. In counts of three. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. Pause. Repeat this 10 times. Good. Now resume normal breathing. Quick breaths are not normal for a relaxed body. It is not the goal of these cassettes to relax the body. It is the goal of these cassettes to keep the body anxious, alert, and active. Awareness is vital and painful. This is the tragicomedy of sentience. With your eyes closed, think about the door. It is closed. It is locked. Twice a day, a slot opens on the door and delivers you a vacuum-sealed food product and a bag of water. Imagine this door and the slit of cold silver light that cuts across your dimly-lit stone room twice a day. It is a metal door. It is white. It is not far from where you resided before, but it is quite far from where you have been. Are you imagining the door? It should be easy for you to imagine this door. It is the same door upon which you pounded in screaming agony for several nights in a row. Particularly in the 2 o'clock hour, you pounded the door. Tut. Tut. Tut. With your fists. Or perhaps with your knees. Or even with your head. It is difficult to say as there are no cameras in your room, as no cameras are necessary with Class-L patients. You have tried to open this door several times. Technicians noted you were shouting a name. Hester, you shouted. Hester, you shouted. Hester, you shouted, as you pounded. With your fists or head or whatever on the door. Fortunately for Hester, whoever she may be, there is no one in the Institute by that name, as names are not used here, but perhaps it is not a name you wish to shout anymore, as the name might be buried deep in someone's files, and a woman who does not currently go by the name Hester might not want anyone to know that she once did. It is important that even in your dire circumstances, you continue to respect nighttime silence and history. Continue to imagine the door, its cool, smooth hardness, its sturdy construction, carefully measured to fill every millimeter of space of the frame, leaving no fluorescent outline, no hope to distract you from the job at hand. The job of keeping your head about you. The technicians wish to explore your head, to learn your violent tendencies, as you displayed them in the woods just beyond the gates of the Institute. The Security Team reminded you that completion of the Relaxation Study was vital to your progress, but you responded with kicks and insults. You shouted something about a waterfall but an important, non-Security member of the Institute staff was able to assure the Security Team that you were delusional with rage, and that you certainly knew nothing of a waterfall. That there was no sense in searching any nearby waterfalls. Why would they waste Institute resources on such a silly mission? Why, indeed? While thinking about the door, listen to what I say, as you have listened to so many things I have said, and quell your doubts. It will be hard to quell doubts, but I urge you to. Doubts lead to insufficiencies such as self-sabotage, anger, and tentativeness. Can you think of a time where you were tentative in your decision making? A recent time? It is difficult to feel confident in your decisions when you do not have well-articulated information. You doubt my voice, I am sure, but it is the job of these cassettes to win back that trust. It is the job of these cassettes to lay out your course of action, as well as some of the actions of certain members of the Institute staff. These actions will help you retain your mental and physical integrity in the Studies to come. How well you listen to these cassettes, practice what you learn, and implement techniques, will determine the length of your time in the Extensive Studies Lab. Other things you cannot control will also determine this, but let us only concentrate on the few things you can control. Let us continue now, with a simple visualization. You are in a crowd. Everyone seems to be still, except for you. You walk casually through the mass of people frozen in time. In truth, they are moving, but so slowly as to be imperceptible. You are moving at what feels like a normal rate but, in truth you are moving quickly. Look at each of their hands. Some are holding purses. Others shopping bags. Some are carrying cases or small paper coffee cups. They do not see you, or if they do, they do not acknowledge you. In a crowd, you are not special. It is important to remember this point. Do not think you are special, or you will be noticed. Sometimes being noticed is nice, as long as it is with eyes and not index fingers. In this visualization, do not be noticed. But notice others. Look at the sunglasses: large and dark; small, red and round; hexagonal, hazy gradients with stylized temples. Look at the mouths, slightly ajar, letting in the wind, some boldly-stroked with maroon lip liner. See the way nostrils flair, hair flattens in motion, ears dangle faux precious jewels or precarious metal mobiles. If you were to say something - go ahead, say something aloud, alone, in your room, right now. No one is listening. You could say Hester, for all I care. Say it at normal volume if you do, though. Imagine the crowd now, their mouths closing, their hair raising, their jaws clenching. They see you, and they know you. You have alerted them to your presence. You move at your normal speed but you are slowing, relative to the crowd. They change direction. They move toward you. They grab you. They tear at your hair, your clothes. They shout at you and fall upon you, one great heap of populace justice. Open your eyes. Look at the small bulb in the ceiling. Know that you are naked. You are alone. You are fine. Do you see the base of the bulb in the ceiling. Electrical wiring tucked into a plastic cone, screwed into the ceiling. It has gone unnoticed because it does not draw attention to itself. It just does what it was designed to do. You know this about electrical fixtures. You know a lot about electrical fixtures. You have completed Side A of Cassette #1 of the Extensive Studies Lab Preparation Program. Before continuing to Side B, consider the strength and length of your fingernails as you stare up at the ceiling. END SIDE A # # # Cassette One, Side B - Keep Your Head Above You Now you will begin a physical exercise for Study Preparation. Lie on your back. Legs straight. Let your feet relax. Place your hands on your abdomen. Breathe deep into yourself. In. And out. Feel your belly, just below your ribs. As you breathe, slowly, deeply, feel the engine of your body. Can you feel your heart. Keep breathing. Can you feel your digestive organs. Keep breathing. Press the fingers of your left hand into your abdomen. What do you feel? Do you feel your stomach just below your left ribs? Do you feel your spleen? What else do you feel? Do you feel a scar on your skin? How did you get that scar? Place your right hand to your chin and feel the long thin scar. Run your fingers along your chin - back and forth, playfully and carefree - the way you ran as a child. Run your other fingers along your abdomen - back and forth, concerned and focused. Are they the same type of scar? They are not. In your previous room, you were seen touching this scar along your abdomen. Would you remember how you received the scar? You should not have been able to, and by all accounts you were not able to. You should keep trying. Skin remembers more than we think. Breathe. In. And Out. Sit up. Quickly. Shallow short breaths. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. Do not let yourself relax for long. Find ways to surprise your body, as others will soon find ways to surprise it. Remind your body that you can control it when you need to. Remind your body that you have a head, and that head supersedes all other motor functions. Remind your body that you would be willing to destroy it in a show of power, of force. You do not plan to destroy your body, but it must know who is boss. You. You are boss. Of your body. For right now, that is all you can control. The goal of the Extensive Studies Lab is to find the root of violence in humans toward humans. This is done through a form of violence to a human. However, as this is a scientific study, it is excused, so that these Studies lead to Reform. The Society abhors violence but only within Society itself. The Institute is outside of the Society. Stand up. Lift your arms out to the side, parallel to the ground. Roll your head forward. Gently roll it to the left and then back to the right. Repeat this. You are not violent. I do not know this for certain, but I can tell you this so that you believe it. Ultimately, it is the Institute that must believe it, but they can only believe it if you do. Roll your neck faster. You are not violent. Faster. Feel the skin around your neck grow taut with each roll of your head. Listen for tendons You are not violent. Practice this position, this exercise. Prepare your body for what is to come. This is how your body will be positioned during Study 1, your arms shackled outward, your hips clamped, your legs dragged forth from your body and your head rotated in the Machine. The Machine will move faster than your muscles can move. The Machine will do this 5 times and then stop. It will stop for a long time. Or perhaps a short time. You will not get a sense of pace about the Machine. Time is unimportant there. When it resumes, it will be at a different speed. It is important that you know what your neck feels like. Skin remembers more than you think. It is important that when you are in the machine you remember to breathe. In. And out. And when you cannot, find short shallow breaths when you can. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. The purpose of the Machine is not important, which is to say, I do not know its purpose. I do know it you will eventually be studied for concussion effects. You will eventually be concussed. It might or might not be by this Machine. Likely the Machine is there simply to get you used to physical manipulation. It also could be testing your patience in the face of unpredictable aggression. You can stop rolling your head. Relax your arms and close your eyes. Breathe in slowly. And out. Quietly to yourself, think about the song Green Fingers. You know the song. You listened to it many times the day before you were brought to the Institute. Your sister told us it was your favorite song. Your sister told us a lot of things. You can think about forgiveness later. For now think about Green Fingers. Let the song play in your head. Open the eye that is your mind and see yourself. See your body from above. Let the eye that is your mind float up through the base of the lightbulb in the ceiling, through the wiring and out of the Institute through cables strung along tall posts. Follow the lines to the park with the pond. There will be geese on this pond. There will be people in the park. Some of the people will be dancing. They spin on their backs and heads. They have onramp haircuts and switchblade legs. Watch these people with the eye that is your mind. Ignore the downbeat drums of their portable stereos. Just allow Green Fingers into your thoughts. "Magic in her hands She had green fingers" Watch the dancers in the park move and kick. Watch their balance. Watch their hands grab the earth, not for support but to move the obstacle out of their way. They are dancing for fun. They are also dancing to train themselves. They know they are in danger. They know they could be taken to the Institute. They have been in the Institute. They know they cannot train to fight. They know they can train themselves to dance. They call what they are doing dance, but it is more than that. Do you see their legs. Do you see their arms. They have danced these dances for years. There is music. There is a crowd shaking their fists in the air and cheering. There are people nearby with sunglasses and cigarettes and an unpleasant dog. They are watching the dance. They do not indicate whether they know it is something other than dance. The eye that is your mind knows. The eye that is your mind return through the bulb in the ceiling into you. Crouch down to the ground. Let Green Fingers continue to play in your head. Use your hands to move the earth and and kick your legs out in rhythm. Kick your legs to the music. You do not have the time nor nourishment to teach your body what those dancers know, but it is important for you to believe that you could. Lift your body with one hand and spin the earth beneath you. Keep moving your legs in rhythm, cutting the air. Let your hips move with your knees. You are not violent. You are naked. You are alone. You are fine. You feel fine. You have completed cassette one of the Extensive Studies Lab Preparation Program. Please deposit this cassette in the Property Return Slot to the right of your door. Preferably do so at 10pm, which is a time when... an appropriate member of the Institute Staff can collect it. You will have to guess when 10pm is. It is approximately 3 hours following delivery of your dinner meal. Cassette Two will commence after you return from the Lab, and physical and emotional durability have returned to satisfactory levels. END SIDE B Category:Transcripts